Selamat datang... apa kabarmu hari ini?

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Ayunan

~Somehow, it is painful to have a nightmare~



Gerakannya lambat
Namun mengayun pasti
Ia kadang terbang bersama angin
Kadang melambat menuju bumi
Satu dua
Satu dua
Berirama

Ayunan
Berpayungkan langit biru
Berhiaskan awan putih berarak menutup mentari
Teduh ... hangat menaungi
Mengayomi sang ayunan

Ada bunyi gesekan besi tua
Bersahutan dengan hembusan udara
Maju... mundur
Maju... mundur
Mengikuti pasti ke mana angin berlari

Ayunan...
Ia tak pernah lelah menunggu
Bunyi jejak anak-anak yang sumringah mendudukinya
Ia pun tak pernah mengeluh
Meski ada banyak tangan yang mungkin kasar menggerakkan talinya
Ia di sana
Tak ada susah, tak ada gelisah
Ia senantiasa berirama
Satu dua
Satu dua
Berpayungkan langit
Berlantaikan tanah

Hingga satu waktu,
Angin membawa berita
Sebuah gedung pencakar langit
Akan menggantikan rentanya
Ia tersenyum
Ia menunggu
Dan ia bersenandung
Mengayun indah bersama angin
Ia bergerak penuh semangat
Laksana tarian bertemu musiknya


Seberapa sering kita memperhatikan hal-hal kecil
yang kadang keberadaannya dianggap tak penting?



Astaghfirullahaládzim
Astaghfirullahaládzim
Astaghfirullahaládzim
Jangan biarkan kami buta dan tuli terhadap ayat-ayatMu Ya Allah...
Biarkan kami melihat, mendengar, belajar dari tiap-tiap ciptaanMu
Hiasilah diri kami dengan ilmu-Mu
Hiasilah jiwa kami dengan iman dan taqwa kepada-Mu
Kuatkan hati dan izzah kami untuk senantiasa ada di jalan-Mu
Jangan butakan hati kami Ya Allah
Jangan butakan hati kami
Astaghfirullahaládzim
Astaghfirullahaládzim
Astaghfirullahaládzim

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Somewhat

It is somewhat beautiful to have the light here within
Cheerful enough to lift up the spirit
Coloring my days
Brightening up my nights

It is somewhat painful to cover the bright star
Such that the sorrow sends that gloomy face
Frightening my soul
Turning down my smile

It is somewhat doubtful to observe the silence
That I start to stop listening
Pretending to be more selfish
Looking for some foolish things

It is somewhat regretful to skip the moments
One way around taking tougher path
Blowing apart the easiest one
Confusing the most simple part of life

It is somewhat fun
To rearrange the line of the stories
Moving ahead stepping each stage
Creating a lot of new chapters
Packing up all the laughters
Swinging up all the smiles
Collecting every warm embrace
Capturing all those happy times

Somewhat beautiful
Somewhat

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Rutinitas

0-4

Tinggal bareng mMih, nenek dari pihak Ibu. Kadang [seringnya :P] main ke rumah Ua di Cimindi sana. Temen main ... ya paman dan bibi lah :D. Kalo malem ikut pengajian di pojok tikungan sono deket rumah Nenek. Inget nama tempatnya "Parigi". Kalo abis ngaji suka nyimpang di rumah Ua [ntah ini teh Ua nya dari mana silsilahnya :D], buat nonton film. Koleksi filmnya yang ada jahat-jahatnya gitu, action, walo takut juga... tetep ajah pengen nonton. Yang Rachma inget Ua yang satu ini geulis pisan [da emang beliau mah ahli banget merias -ada hubungannya gitu? :P-], pleus rambutnya yang ikal agak kecoklatan.

Kalo lagi di rumah mMih, hobi banget main beras kalo beliau mu menanak nasi. Ampe inget banget dengan pepatah "teu kengeng main beas Neng, bilih dijual ku toa". Kalo mMih lagi gak ngeliat, baru main-main, kalo mMih merhatiin, jauhilah beras seeeejauh mungkin :P. Paling seneng kalo hari Minggu, itu jadwalnya membersihkan rumah, alias kerja bakti. Paling seneng kalo nyuci lantai, bisa main air sembari "sosorodotan" :D. Paling suka kalo liat salah seorang bibi Rachma, si bibi geulis :D, pake baju SMA dan bersiap menuju Cimahi sana. Suka tiba-tiba pengen cepet dewasa dan kebayangnya itu... "waa... kalo dah gede... ntar Rachma bakal geulis kaya Bibi gak ya..."... hahaha, pikiran yang aneh :P.

Yang paling ditakuti di sini adalah Ua cowok, karena beliau teh suka ngegigit pipi Rachma. Ih pokokna mah nyeremin ajah. Jadi kalo ada beliau pasti Rachma ngumpet. Sampe sekarang ... masih kerasa aja risi kalo mesti ada physical touch sama sodara [ada hubungannya gak ya? :D]. Sering banget dibeliin perhiasan sama mMih. Gonta-ganti anting [karena mayan sering ilang :P], kalo cincin dibeliin sama Nenek dari pihak Papa. Sampai sekarang anting dan cincinnya masih tersimpan baik, koleksi, kenangan :D.

4-5

Mulai inget sering ketemu Mama sama Papa. Hidup ikut nebeng di rumah dinasnya tempat Mama ngajar. Inget sering diajarin baca tulis sama Papa, diajarin nyanyi sama Mama. Hobi banget difoto, lagian Papa juga seneng moto, jadi klop :D. Seneng banget ngemil gula merah dan cocorico ampe berhasil ngoleksi gigi tikus, hahah. Excited banget kalo dah main sama senjata berlaras panjang buat nembak burung gereja sekitar sekolah, pleus dengan mata berbinar-binar tega sekali menggoreng burung-burung imut nan lucu itu, dan memakan mereka dengan lahapnya [kalo inget itu, kadang kelintas.... kanibal banged seh confused]. Paling seneng kalo nunggu Papa pulang dari tempatnya mengajar, khas dengan sepeda kumbangnya... membawa cocorico coklat berbungkuskan kotak yang ada kupu-kupunya itu. Ato... seneng kalo nunggu Papa pergi mancing, walo hasilnya cuman dua tiga ikan kecil... nya seneng we... dimasak dimakan, kenyang deh :D. Kalo ada anak sekolah, paling hobi nyanyi depan mereka, heuheu, narsis tersalurkan kali yak razz.

5-11

Umur lima tahun mulai masuk SD, mulai pindah ke rumah baru, jaraknya... ngg... sekitar 10-15 menit jalan dari sekolah. Saat itu juga lahir adik Rachma yang cewek, tau gak pas dia lahir apa yang terlintas di pikiran Rachma? kelintas gini "yaaa, kok cewe sih... saingan doong" , hehehe, dasar anak kecil razz.

Di sekolah terdaftar dengan istilah "anak bawang", cuman ikut-ikut ajah, gak terdaftar di log book sekolah. Jarang banget masuk kelas, kerjaannya main-main ajah :P, paling suka sama pelajaran "nulis angka serat", dibeliin bukunya sama Papa. Dan hobiiii banget nulis itu, soalnya... bentuknya indah sih. Dateng pas ujian ajah, alias THB. Punya rapor juga sih walo gak terdaftar resmi, dan dapet ranking juga :D.

Pas kenaikan kelas, gurunya bilang... sambil becanda-becanda tea... Rachma ngulang lagi kelas satu, jadi ya sudah... hari pertama tahun ajaran baru masuk kelas satu lagi. Tapi kepala sekolahnya bilang, Rachma naik kelas dua ajah, dan jadilah terdaftar di log book sekolah untuk tahun ajaran 1991/1992 langsung di kelas dua :P. Pas di kelas dua ini, Mama beliin kalung buat Rachma. Ampe sekarang pun Rachma pake... [berarti leher tuh gak terlalu banyak berubah ya ukurannya :D]. Walo ada kalung Swarovski yang lucu nan indah nganggur di lemari, ya tetep ajah... lebih bermakna kalung emas itu [walo hanya dua gram, dengan model amat sederhana wink].

Pas SD itu... hobi banget ke ruangan guru nyari makanan gratis. Ya iya lah, secara Mama Rachma ada di situ :P. Kalo di luar jam sekolah itu... seneng banget ikut pramuka, seneng camping, seneng ada di alam bebas. jadi kalo tanggal 14 Agustus ada camping bareng seranting di Curug Sawer... ya suka-suka ajah ikut, lagian Papa Mama Rachma juga ikut di situ... :D.

Rachma juga hobi vocalizing, dalam rangka bisa menyanyikan pupuh-pupuh Sunda berlaras pelog, salendro, dan laras-laras lainnya, ya mesti tau cara ngatur nafas dan suara wink. Kebetulan, Mama juga ikut paduan suara Darma Wanita nya PGRI, jadi emang ada bakat, hihihihi. Papa Rachma juga bagus ketang vocalizing nya, kalo dengerin beliau baca Al-Qu'ran tuh... waaaa... subhanallah pisan lah, bagus. Papa tuh sering banget ngingetin, "mesti ngejaga seni Sunda". Jadinya ya... Rachma emang suka nyanyi dan nari, hihihi, mendominasi acara sekolah mrgreen . Terus, kan kalo di SD teh suka ada lomba-lomba gitu yak, calistung ato apa gitu. Nah, Rachma tuh suka ikut-ikut itu. Alasannya apa coba? Biar bisa jalan-jalan bareng Mama dan Ibu Kepala, terus dapet jajanan gratis, hehehehe mrgreen.

Kalo abis selse sekolah, pulang ke rumah... ya main atuh. Suka jalan-jalan ke sawah, main kincir angin, main layangan, ngejar-ngejar belalang [terus dimasak, dimakan! Catet eek]. Belalang goreng itu rasanya gurih. Walopun dari segi kesehatan terbukti belalang adalah makanan berprotein tinggi... nya tetep we ayeuna mah gak mau makan belalang, gak tega... [kalo inget, kayaknya Rachma pas kecil makan segala, omnivora banget :)) ]. Suka main di kebun deket rumah, manjat-manjat pohon jambu, bikin ayunan. Kadang merusak halaman dengan menanam bunga-bunga aneh hasil menjarah di sawah ato kebun biggrin, kadang berkreasi dengan tanah lembut dan membentuknya jadi kue-kue kecil dengan model lucu-lucu, dipanggang di bawah terik matahari mrgreen. Hobi banget main petak umpet dan perang-perangan. Inget banget dulu, excited banget sama figur pendekar macem orang Majapahit [inget banget dengan jurus capit gunting,,, alamak... hahaha imajinasi tinggi mrgreen], ato Bibi Lung[ini mah hobi sama nata rambut biar mirip kaya Bibi Lung, weheheheh], terus takut banget sama bola apinya Mak Lampir... [sambil ada backsound... Farida...Farida.... dramatis banget lah pokoknyah... heuheuheu].

Kalo lagi di rumah, mainnya kartu remi, sama kartu yang nyari yang samanya itu lo... apa sih namanya, pokokna mah kartunya itu mah bikin sendiri. Terus juga suka main kartu gambar yang dibelakangnya ada tanda lalu lintas itu lo. Inget banget, Rachma hobi jadi bandarnya, karena kalo jadi bandar itu, kalo menang dapet gambar baru banyak, walo kalo kalah juga ilang kartunya banyak juga mrgreen. Suka juga main kelereng, janjian buat main loncat tinggi, bersepeda bareng, main korsel-korselan, galah, dan sondah.

Suka banget main sandiwara yang dari gambar itu lo, basa Sundanya tuh "babajuan". Demi bisa menjalankan cerita dengan baik, Rachma suka niat bikin kursi-kursian dari bungkus obat nyamuk, bikin bantal-bantalan dari perca, terus biar kasurnya lucu, ngambil dari kotak terus dibungkus kertas kado biggrin. Terus biar pangerannya lebih ganteng, ngegambar sendiri orangnya terus diwarnain sendiri, hehehehe. Dan biar baju puterinya lebih bagus, bisa ditebak... Rachma gambar sendiri bajunya, kasi warna, tambahin banyak pita, tinggal pake deh mrgreen. Ceritanya pasti gak jauh-jauh dari ada dua orang cowo cewe jatuh cinta, ada yang jahatnya, ada yang baiknya, tapi akhir cerita dua orang itu nikah, hidup bahagia. Itu kayaknya terpengaruh sinetron, hehehe.
Suka juga tuh bikin ikat rambut sendiri, bikin dari perca, terus dibentuk bunga-bunga, dijahit, tambahin karet putih, jadi deh.

Kalo lagi bosen, suka menjarah koleksi bukunya Papa. Kalo baca buku gak bisa berhenti, mesti dibaca ampe selse, soalnya gak mau penasaran mrgreen. Dari yang cerita anak ampe buku-buku berat macem politik, psikologi, ampe tatakrama "sekolah kepribadian". Tapi dulu itu kalo baca tuh kepikirannya gini, "hooo, dunia orang dewasa tuh kaya gini ya...kok bisa ya penulisnya mikir gini... oh, jadi yang baik tuh begini, yang jelek tuh begitu...". Udah gitu, hobi berperan sebagai guru [ini niru ortu :D]. Murid Rachma adalah kursi meja, apa pun yang ada di sekeliling, hehehe. Biasanya Mama suka negur kalo tiba-tiba Rachma marah-marahin sang kursi, komennya "ntar kursinya bukannya ngerti malah ketakutan...", heuheuh. Kalo ngajarin adik Rachma juga kadang tanpa sadar suka marah-marah gak sabaran... gomen ~_~.

Kalo dah sore, sekitar jam 4, siap-siap ke madrasah, buat ngaji sore, ampe sekitar setengah 6. Terus pulang, ntar sambung ke madrasah lagi, ngaji ampe sekitar jam setengah delapan. Dari jam setengah 8 ampe jam 8 itu waktunya belajar nabuh rebana, nyanyi qasidah, ngelantunin sholawat, sama belajar qoriah ekstra. Pulang ke rumah nonton TV ampe jam 9-an, tidur deh mrgreen. Jam lima itu ada lagi jadwal ngaji shubuh, ampe jam 6an. Abis itu siap-siap ke sekolah lagi wink. Di madrasah itu suka ada cepat tepat per tahun, raramean lah itu mah. Terus suka ngadain acara macem rajaban ato maulidan, gitu juga sama sekolah agama per minggu yang tingkat RW, suka ada acara tahunan juga. Macem lomba qiroáti, lomba peragaan busana mrgreen. Rachma hobi mendominasi panggung, mulai dari ceramah, qiroáti, sholawat, nyanyi, dan baca puisi mrgreen. Demikian juga kalo pas acara Agustusan, kan suka ada panggung tuh... nah hobi juga ikut lomba-lomba Agustusan, kan lumayan dapet hadiah :D, terus kalo pas acara malemnya, kalo kerennya mah Agustusan Night meureun yah, Rachma suka juga nari. Disco hayu... dangdut hayuuu... Jaipongan hayuuu. Heuheueheu, abis menyenangkan sih, ada yang bersedia ngajarin nari, dan emang ada eventnya.

Tahun 1994, lahir adik baru...cowok ini mah, gender yang diidam-idamkan ama keluarga besar. Rachma paling suka matanya, bagus ajah :D. Oya, pas kelas 6 tuh, pernah pake jilbab, tapi pas lulus dibuka lagi, heuheuh, dasar si Eneng razz.

11-14

Di sini Rachma motong rambut pendek banget, model Demi Moore razz. Masa ini mulai mengenal diary. Banyak pisan lah diary Rachma. Isina teh tapi data-data temen, hehehe. Termasuk juga rahasia-rahasia, cerita sehari-hari, puisi-puisi, banyak lah. Ampe Rachma punya kode pengganti abjad, mirip hiragana tapi bukan [terinpirasi film ini mah :D], biar gak ada yang ngerti apa yang Rachma tulis. Dan sekarang pun kalo buka lagi diary-diary lama, Rachma gak ngerti apa yang Rachma tulis di situ, heuheuheu :)). Di SMP ini, Rachma ada di kelas D, 1D, 2D, 3D, di mana ada kisah cenah kelas D mah orangnya bandel-bandel mrgreen. Hobi ngumpulin angka 9 di rapor, hobi ngalahin juara umum sebelumnya, hahaha twisted.

Hobi musik di sini tersalurkan lebih baik. Guru musiknya hebat ;), mulai memahami note-note balok, cara baca, cara bikin, dan sejenisnya. Mulai belajar suling Indonesia, ngegantiin recorder yang saat itu terbilang mahal, dan suling Sunda. Kalo abis sekolah ikut kegiatan nari, tapi ayeuna mah lupa gerakannya teh gimana mrgreen. Ikutan vocalizing, waktu itu sih demi bisa menyanyikan lagu-lagu kebangsaan, hehe. Masih ikutan pramuka, dulu apal banget ama sandi-sandi macam morse [tulisan maupun suara/cahaya], sandi rumput, dan sandi-sandi lain. Suka meragain semaphore, soalnya... aneh ajah, orang bersemaphore tuh jadi kaya pinokio, hueheheh razz.

Pelajaran favorit adalah yang bagian mulok: seni rupa, seni musik, tata busana, dan elektronika mrgreen, yang lainnya mah itu kan karena emang harus dipelajari, hehehe. Suka banget megang solder dan melelehkan timah, atau melukis sirkuit bikin PCB, dan nyusun-nyusun capasitor, resistor, dan -tor-tor lainnya terus tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi indah atau lampu flip flop warna warni. Sangat excited kalo dah pelajaran menjahit dan menyulam, menggambar pola, belajar berbagai tusuk, bermain sama benang, dan berkreasi menghias kain. Suka deh pokoknya, menyalurkan imaginasi biggrin. Di madrasah, ya kaya pas jaman SD aja, rutinitas ngajinya kaya gitu. Cuma bedanya, dah merambah kitab kuning, jadi ngoleksi banyak kitab di rumah. Kalo hari Minggu nyempetin diri belajar kaligrafi. Kalo lagi Ramadhan, ikut pesantren kilat. Ya... raramean aja itu mah. Sekitar akhir kelas satu atau awal kelas dua ya... pake jilbab lagi... Alhamdulillah ampe sekarang biggrin.

14-17

Yuhu... udah mulai pake seragam abu-abu. Tapi pindah ke lingkungan yang lebih agamis razz. Nyantri banget lah lingkungannya, kerasa mulai ada perubahan "penunjukkan identitas". Kalo sebelumnya Rachma cenderung ekspresif, ikut ini ikut itu, pas SMA kerasa lebih terbatasi. Penuangannya lebih ke diary, bikin cerpen banyaaaaaaaaaak pisan, biar ada kerjaan mrgreen. Kalo temen Rachma minta sequelnya, ya Rachma bikinin lagi wink. Hampir bisa dibilang Rachma gak ikut ekstrakurikuler di sini. Kerasa aja lingkungannya kurang homy, mungkin karena di sini lebih banyak lagi asal daerah siswanya, lebih heterogen. Pulang sekolah sekitar jam 2, langsung menuju Cimindi buat les bahasa atau ke Cimahi buat ikut bimbel. Dijemput Papa nyampe rumah jam 7 malem, belajar, ngerjain PR dan sebagainya ampe jam 12 malem. Kerasa banget kepala pusing kalo pagi-pagi . Dan catet, Rachma sering kesiangan nyampe sekolah, hahahah, pernah dihukum lari pagi keliling lapangan basket, atau gak dibolehin masuk kelas, de es be mrgreen. Hobi ngumpulin nilai 10, tapi gurunya bilang, "Neng, nilai maksimal yang dibolehin di rapor cuman 9, jadi yang satu poinnya ditabung ajah buat catur wulan depan". Aya-aya wae...rolleyes.

Pelajaran hidup yang Rachma ambil... mesti tepat waktu, mesti disiplin, jangan nganggap remeh sesuatu, harus gaul... jangan seperti katak dalam tempurung, dan yang penting lagi: yang pertama kali harus dijaga kekuatannya adalah "hati" bukan "otak". Ada satu momen yang diabadikan, waktu itu mau olimpiade Biologi tingkat provinsi, dan ntah gimana ceritanya, sekolah Rachma gak tau kalo jadwal testnya diubah, jadilah momen itu terskip. Rachma mengabadikannya dalam sebuah cincin... Rachma pake ampe sekarang... buat mengingatkan... jangan ngulangin kesalahan yang sama :).

17-22

Masa kuliaaaaaaaaah mrgreen. Semester pertama diwarnai dengan cedera kaki... lama banget lagi sembuhnya, ampe kalo jalan menyusuri GKU tuh mesti selalu nyender dinding dan megang tangga. Kalo pulang ke kosan, mesti selalu pegangan sama orang, alhamdulillah ada temen sekosan, D*****, jadi kalo jalan pegangan sama dia. Pas TPB kembali belajar main gitar, demi menyalurkan stres :D, tapi niat diurungkan setelah beberapa lama tiba-tiba kerasa tangan kapalan... jadi malashhhh.

Masuk jurusan, masuk organisasi, ikut kegiatan ini itu. Rutinitas. Organisasi yang paling berkesan justru bukan organisasi kampus, tapi pas berkecimpung di Indonesia Power. Hampir tiap bulan Rachma ke sana, dan kadang untuk kegiatan-kegiatan tertentu, bisa nginep beberapa hari [MESS nya bagus mrgreen]. Terkesan karena kegiatannya lebih membumi dan memasyarakat, gaulnya juga sama yang udah sepuh, jadi kalo ngobrol ... mereka suka ngasih nasehat dan petuah-petuah [Rachma suka sih kalo denger nasehat, menentramkan :) ].

Terlalu terlarut dalam akademis bisa dibilang membosankan... ya siapa juga yang tahan sama kegiatan yang sama terus menerus razz. Akhirnya pas tingkat 4 mulai menekuni organ, biarin kosan jadi berisik juga, hehehehe. Jadi kalo lagi BT, energi disalurkan dengan menekan tuts organ lebih keras, dan volume musik pengiring ekstra tinggi :D. Mulai juga menekuni bahasa Jepang. Untung temen kosannya sabar, hehehe, jadi gak complain kalo Rachma mulai teriak-teriak nyanyi ato mraktekin tuh bahasa Jepang. Ntah lah, yang penting mah menyibukkan diri aja, jadi kan gak bosen gitu. Jadi kalo di kelas suntuk sama kuliah, kerjaan Rachma selain curi-curi baca novel ato komik [ato kadang dengerin lagu via mp3 player razz], adalah nyorat nyoret buku Jepun hasil motokopi dari temen mrgreen. Tapi kalo gak dipake mah lupa ketang... heuheuh.


22 ampe sekarang

Ntah kenapa... masih banyak hal tentang hidup yang Rachma pertanyakan. Disebut nyari jati diri, kayanya dah ketuaan deh mrgreen, masa nyari jati diri terus... realnya kapan Neng?

Pernah ada yang komen "Rachma curhat terus... kumaha sih PhD teh"... hahah, hayo, sapa yang suka protes itu? razz. Selama kerjaan beres, curhat gpp kan? Lagian, kalo gak suka, ya tinggal gak usah dibaca aja, beres. Jangan sampe... protes-protes terus tentang curhatan Rachma, tapi akhir-akhirnya dibaca juga, kalo gak diupdate blognya, nanya-nanya terus kapan diupdate. Haiyah, typical manusia banget sih. Kalo bahasa Sundanya mah "dipoyok dilebok", kasar sih itu sebenernya...soalnya tujuan peribahasanya buat nyindir razz.

Rutinitas sekarang: jam 9-5 sore di lab, kadang ampe jam 8 ato jam 9 malem, tergantung mood dan sikon. Kalo sekarang mah tergantung masuk angin ato gak, hehehe. Gak tau kenapa, ampe sekarang teh masih sering masuk angin. Nyampe kamar, masak, terus internetan browsing sana sini. Senam sore sekitar 10 menitan :D. Kadang mah bosen oge sih, makanya lebih seneng nulis di blog.

Ni Rachma float-kan gambar sekitar rutinitas:
-housing, my lovely room
[captured in the morning (left) and in the night (right) via p990i]
















-Kasur tercinta :D, gak ridho kalo ada cowo tiduran ato duduk-duduk disitu, hahaha, jadi kalo kebetulan ada kumpul-kumpul yang ada cowoknya, Rachma umumkan, stay away from my bed :P
[captured in the morning via p990i]















-Laptop teman setia, sofa tempat olah raga [sit up dan sejenisnya yang perlu matras mrgreen]
[captured in the night via p990i]
















-Daerah Selwerd dan sekitarnya: jalur sepeda kampus-housing













































































-My lovely office and my summer shoes [gak penting razz]

















-Standar obento males masak, pleus ransum makanan di kantor [makan we terus di kantor teh mrgreen]



















Kenapa nulis flash back umur, ngg... Rachma lagi nyari-nyari spirit [Ne, Supiritto San? :)]. Kalo pas kecil mah efinefrin berlebih, gak perlu pake spirit juga bersemangat ini itu, udah bawaan dari sononya itu mah mrgreen. Tapi kalo udah berumur mah [ahahaha, serasa tua banget razz], semangat itu harus ditumbuhkan, dijaga. Seperti layaknya menjaga kadar keimanan :).

Sebelum tidur... kan Rachma suka baca terjemah Al-Qurán ya... suka tiba-tiba tenggelam dalam pikiran sendiri. Asa masih jauuuh pisan dari pribadi yang berderajat. Kerasa banget banyak minusnya di sana sini. Ntah lah... ya namanya juga manusia meureun, fitrahnya kan dhaif.

Beberapa hari yang lalu, ada pertanyaan terlontar kurang lebih kaya gini "kalo kaya gitu... ntar suami Rachma ngajarin apa dong?"

Hmm... ya banyak atuuuh, heuheuheu. Semakin banyak kita mempelajari sesuatu... semakin kerasa ternyata kita teh gak ada apa-apanya mrgreen. Jadi kalo ditanya tentang ilmu... ya tetep ajah... banyak yang belum tau, banyak yang pengen Rachma pelajari, masih banyak ilmu yang pengen Rachma dapet. Walo sebenernya belum kebayang ketang, maksudnya... "suami ngajarin istri" teh pegimane maksudnyeh. Mungkin sang suami bisa ngajarin Rachma cara ngebenerin genteng bocor? hahahah razz. Soalnya... Rachma belum pernah ngeliat Papa ngajarin sesuatu sama Mama Rachma... Lebih ke rutinitas hidup aja bukan itu teh, kalo istrinya khilaf, suaminya ekstra sabar dan mengingatkan. Kalo suaminya khilaf, ya istrinya juga ngingetin. Maksudnya begitu bukan sih???
*masih teu kabayang mrgreen*

Rachma lebih kebayang untuk memetakan nikah sebagai satu sistem dinamis, bukan hanya masalah ngajar mengajar, di mana pemimpin, dalam hal ini suami, selalu lebih daripada istrinya. Yang jelas mah, istri itu harus bisa jadi partner yang mendukung suaminya. Kalimat favorit: "suami itu pemimpin, dan yang namanya pemimpin itu adalah pelayan"... hehehehe twisted.

Selama ini, yang ada di benak Rachma... pengen jadi istri dan ibu yang baik. Sumangat pisan buat menciptakan generasi berkualitas [yak, PPKn muncul kembali razz]. Dan untuk itu teh, kan berarti harus banyak ilmu yang dipelajari, tidak hanya agama, tapi juga sains, teknologi, sosial. Kan bercita-cita pengen jadi "perhiasan" buat suami, jadi Ibu yang bijaksana buat anak. Itu resource ilmunya kan mesti banyak :). Kadang masih ngerasa ilmu masih kurang, masih kurang... ntah sampe segimana baru merasa cukup, heuheuheu. Di situ mungkin letak kepimimpinan cowok, bisa nentuin, bisa ngambil keputusan. Dan akan lebih menarik kalo istilahnya adalah "sharing"... bukan "menggurui". Selama sang suami mau menshare ilmunya... ya seneng-seneng aja atuh.

Kadang kerasa, ada sebagian orang yang terkesan segan sama Rachma. Kadang miris, kadang pengen ketawa, haiyah... cute gini kok ditakutin sih... heheheh razz. Itu juga yang mengcounter pendapat temen, intinya gini: "sama cowok itu harus jual mahal, play hard to get... jadi kalo cowoknya mu ninggalin ceweknya bakal mikir berkali-kali, karena dapetnya susah". Kalo Rachma mikirnya bukan gitu, kalo emang cowoknya berniat baik, gak akan Rachma persulit kok. Kalo gak suka, ya Rachma bilang gak suka, jawaban standar "gak mau nunggu dan gak mau ditunggu". Cuman, terkadang ... kerasa... mereka ciut duluan... ahahaha, jadinya seleksi alam pan itu mah, mesti ekstra berani cowoknya mrgreen. Dan kalo ternyata... tiba-tiba cowoknya "ninggalin"... ya silakan... sok-sok wae... dan satu kata terucap penuh kemenangan "baka!" razz.

Kenapa coba?
Semakin seseorang tau ilmu tentang perannya dalam hirarki masyarakat, semakin ia bisa memposisikan diri. Kalo udah jadi istri, mau statusnya apa kek... ya kalo di rumah mah dia statusnya istri, mesti taat dan hormat sama suami, memperlakukan suami layaknya raja, ngasi perhatian, kasih sayang, juga menentramkan. Bukan bikin pusing suami dengan minta ini itu... [eh tapi bikin pusing suami mungkin perlu, anggap aja brainstorming, hihihi mrgreen]. Misal bilang... Rachma kan pengen mendekor rumah kaya gini, pokoknya kaya gini, kan kaya gini lucu rumahnya, kok gak setuju sih, heran rolleyes. Atau semisal... ya uang suami itu kan uang istri, di Al-Qurán juga gitu kan, kenapa suami lebih dari istri derajatnya... itu kan karena suami menafkahi istrinya... tapi uang istri itu ya uang istri, bukan jadi uang suami...

Heheheh... pusing suaminya ntar razz, susah emang mengurangi kecerewetan, hihihi... Tapi itu kan berarti Rachma menyediakan ladang amal buat suami, buat melatih kesabaran [pembenaran, heuheuheu mrgreen].

Ke sini ke sini... Rachma makin menyadari, laki-laki itu pengambil keputusan. Emang dari sananya udah ada bakat memimpin kali ya. Pernah kan cerita-cerita gitu sama temen, intinya sih ngebahas "godaan itu ada di mana-mana" mrgreen, bahasannya lebih mengarah ke... untuk keadaan di mana ada cewek lain yang ngedeketin cowoknya... [I have told you that world of woman is scary, many unexpected things can happen here :) ], for some reasons... ada kan kekhawatiran cowoknya berpindah ke lain hati :D. Tapi hal-hal kaya gitu teh, gak terlalu krusial untuk dipikirin, maksudnya... hmmm... ya, kalo hati cowoknya belum memutuskan untuk memilih satu cewek, hal-hal kaya gitu emang bisa terjadi, namanya juga godaan. Lagian, selama orang yang kita sayang bahagia, walo mungkin kasusnya dia jadi sama orang lain, gak masalah kan. Gak guna juga, kalo dia sama kita tapi hatinya merana [halah, bahasanya.... heuheuheuh]. Kalo masih seneng lirik sana sini, ya silakan... Kalo ngutarain maksud ya Rachma pertimbangkan, kalo gak mah ya jangan harap Rachma ngerti ... orang situ gak bilang, gimana Rachma tau... heran deh razz. Heheheheh

Eta mah teori ketang, kalo hatinya udah terpaut ke satu orang, susah buat objektif teh, pasti lebih cenderung sama yang dicenderungi [halah, ribet kieu kata-katanya razz]. Kalo kata temen mah, "meni susah pisan Teh, kenapa gak bilang suka ajah, pake kata "cenderung-cenderung" segala". Heheheh, bener juga sih, cuman males ajah pake kata itu mrgreen. Pernah juga ditanya gini, "suka kangen gak Teh sama dia?"... terus Rachma jawab..."inget sih, tapi gak kangen-kangen banget. Tapi kalo ketemu mungkin lebih baik"... langsung ditimpal "iya itu teh namanya kangen Teteeeh... meni diplomatis pisan"... heuheuh, ya sih, susah ngomong sama yang dah punya suami mah, bahasa ceweknya langsung di-decode dengan cepat razz.

Next thing to do: daftar course Dutch, Tai Chi, ice skating.

Supiritto San, doko ni iru no?

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Supiritto San ...

Nani o shite imasu ka?
Anata wa... totemo sabishii sou deshita
Daijoubu desu ka?


Supiritto San...
Nani o shiteru no?
Anata no kumori wa, doko ni imasu ka?
Tenki wa... dou desu ka?
Ashita... sora ni itte wa ikaga desu ka?
Issho ni ikimashou
Sorekara... ureshii desu ne
Ne Supiritto San... anata wa ureshii?
U..re..shii?


Supiritto San...
Donna warai ga suki desu ka?
Kore wa?
Sore wa?
Iie?
Moo... kowai...
Demo doushite?
Nande Supiritto San?


Ashita kara ame ga futta to shitara, dou shimashou ka?
Dou shimashou ka Supiritto San?
Ame o nomimashou ka?
Ima... nani ka tabemasu ka?
Shiawase o tabetai...


Supiritto San...
Nani yatteru no?
Naze ka anata no dokidoki ga tomaranai?
Nande anata ga furueru?
Kokoro no uta to itte kudasai

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Kotak emas

Ia berasal dari serpihan
Tumbuh berkembang terselubung keluguan
Ia berbajukan keindahan
Bersuarakan ketentraman
Senyumnya menyejukkan
Tawanya renyah mendamaikan
Pandangan matanya lembut menenangkan


Alam mengajarinya tarian gemulai
Menutupkan cadar pada senyumnya yang menggoda
Memberatkan matanya untuk senantiasa menunduk
Menyamarkan suara merdunya
Menatanya rapi
Menaburinya banyak cinta
Dalam sebuah kotak emas


Dunia mengajarinya berias
Menyusuri tiap jalan kehidupan
Mencari inspirasi menjemput pengetahuan
Mengabadikannya satu demi satu
Menggenggamnya dalam kelembutan
Ia bawa ia jaga
Bersama sang kotak emas


Kadang dunia sangat lembut padanya
Kadang sangat kasar
Namun alam tetap mengingatkan
Kotak emasnya selalu di sana
Melindungi, menghibur
Mendongengkan kisah-kisah indah


Ia tumbuh bertemankan ilmu
Ia untaikan riasan kebijakan
Ia tebarkan kelembutan
Berhiaskan doá-doá lirih
Berbungkuskan kotak emas
Bersinar indah nan terang

Sunday, 18 May 2008

The Blindth

...wasurekakete ita hito no omoi wo totsuzen omoidasu koro...
-Flavour of life-


Matanya sendu
Menunduk jauh menembus belenggu kelabu
Bulu matanya bergerak lambat-lambat
Menahan sebulir air bening yang menghias sudut kelopak
Hatinya bergemuruh menahan ragu
Langkahnya terhenti sejenak


Satu nafas ia hembuskan
Dan sekilas senyum menghias bibirnya
Satu butir air mata terjatuh
Namun hilang bersama derasnya angin
Tak ada bekas yang tersisa di wajahnya
Mengering,
Terlupakan,
Semata berakhir dalam lembaran sejarah lama


Kini ia berbalik
Matanya berbinar
Irisnya bergerak cepat memancarkan sinar
Satu dan dua tawa kecil terdengar
Kembali tubuh gemulainya berirama dengan alam
Dan ia bernyanyi
Menabuh genderang keceriaan
Hanya angin yang berbisik..."Engkau menipu dunia dengan indahnya"


Dan bunga-bunga bermekaran
Burung-burung bercicit riang
Alam pun bergumam..."Ia menghibur"
Dan kembali angin berhembus..."Ia membuat dunia buta dengan lembutnya"


Hujan turun satu dua
Gerakan gemulai itu terhenti
Kembali sendu menghias bola matanya
Kembali langkahnya ia urungkan
Kembali sebulir air mata jatuh tak bertuan
Hujan pun bergumam..."Kau bisa membaginya denganku"
Kembali sesungging senyum menghias bibirnya
Ada bulir-bulir air mata terjatuh
Hanya sang hujan yang mengerti
Betapa air itu terlalu berharga
Bila hanya kering terbawa angin lalu


Dan ia terlarut basah kuyup
Membiarkan sang hujan menyelimuti gundahnya
Angin berlalu lalang tanpa henti
Sekali-kali ia berbisik..."Engkau membutakan dunia dengan diammu"
Hanya satu senyum simpul yang muncul
Dan sang angin mengepakkan sayapnya
Ia gerah, ia pergi


Ada sepasang mata lain menatapnya dari jauh
Seakan ada banyak lapisan memisahkan
Memperpanjang jarak
Merumitkan haluan
Ia tau, ia melihat, ia mendengar, ia mengamati
Namun ia hanya terdiam
Membiarkan serpihan kisahnya kering begitu saja
Ia paham, ia merasakan, ia luluh
Namun diamnya mengunci langkah
Hanya alam yang saling berbisik..."Mereka buta"


Satu senyum kembali terlihat
Lamat-lamat ia menegakkan bulu matanya
Pupilnya berbinar
Ia berbalik, menyadari adanya mata sendu lain di dekatnya
Langkahnya tertatih
Bergerak amat lambat
Satu dua jarak mulai ia tempuh
Satu dua lapisan mulai luruh


Langkah itu kemudian terhenti
Alam menahan nafas
Bunga-bunga menguncup malu
Burung-burung bersiul rendah
Berbisik-bisik, mengintai
Mata itu menatap tajam
Menembus kornea lain yang sejatinya terdiam
Ia tersenyum,
Satu kata terucap lirih
"Okaerinasai..."


Tak ada jawab, tak ada sahut
Alam seakan berhenti
Kembali burung-burung berbisik..."Ia tidak mendengar...ternyata ia tak hanya buta, ia pun tuli"
Angin tertawa lembut..."ia tak hanya berpura-pura buta, ia pun berpura-pura tuli"
Bunga-bunga bermekaran... "Ia tuli...ia tuli"


"Ano..."
Kembali suara lembut itu membisukan alam
Satu kelopak bunga terjatuh
Berbisik... "Dia berkata lagi... dia berkata lagi"
Hujan turun gemulai... "Ia membuang waktu berkata pada sang buta tuli"
Kembali angin berhembus
Ia lelah, ia penat
Berbisik dengan malasnya..."Mereka membutakan dunia"


Satu langkah lagi tertapaki
Mata sendu yang semakin mendekat
Menembus lapis kornea terdalam
Ia hembuskan satu nafas lembut
Mata lain itu mengerjap
Hati dinginnya tertembus halus
Diamnya terbungkam perlahan

Satu senyum simpul kembali terhias
Dan kembali satu sapaan ramah terucap
"Doko ni anata no tadaima wa?"
Tak ada sahut tak ada jawab
Alam kembali hingar bingar... "ia bisu... ia tuli"


Mata sendu itu tertunduk
Ia berbalik, pergi
Angin berhembus... "ia membiarkan dirinya buta dan tuli"
Langkah itu terpacu lebih cepat
Semakin jauh... jauh... dan jauh


Hujan turun satu dua
Mendekap erat tanpa henti
Ada banyak bulir air mata terjatuh
Menemani tiap langkah
Air-air bening itu menyentuh kelopak bunga
Yang tiba-tiba membeku
Burung-burung bercicit gundah
Hujan mendesah
Menggigil..."Aku tak lagi bisa menyamarkan air matamu"


Alam tertawa..."ia tak hanya buta, ia pun tuli"
Sepasang mata itu menerawang dalam gelisah
Menatap bayang yang kian menjauh
Ia mengerti, ia merasa, ia tau
Angannya terbang mengukur jeda
Harapannya meloncat jauh menghitung waktu
Ia kembali melihat lapisan-lapisan terbentang
Ada kisah yang terbawa pergi
Terbungkam sepi
Satu kata terucap lirih
"Aitai"

Alam terhenyak
Alam berbisik...
"Mereka membutakan dunia dengan indahnya"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Haluuuuu, serius amat bacanya... gak nyadar terbawa suasana yah? hueheheheh . Sadar....sadar... itu mah fiktif belaka, hihihihi, meni khusyu kitu razz.

Hmm...

Sometimes, I am really afraid that I might be somewhat blind in understanding the whole world.

Jadi kayanya... nggg...
perlu guru ieu mah...
"guru hidup"
heuheuheu istilah baru mrgreen.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Eindelijk....

Akhirnya...

setelah ditunggu beberapa hari... hasil belanja online di ebay dateng jugaaaa mrgreen. Setelah browsing sana sini... mulai dari official web, amazon, ebay, tentunya mencari harga seeeemurah mungkin, akhirnya diputuskanlah pesen satu jam tangan Guess dari ebay Itali biggrin. Mayan lama proses pengirimannya... sekitar 10 hari... Anyway, puas tapinya, akhirnya punya jam tangan, heuheu. Terakhir pake jam tangan tuh pas TPB, heheh... sekarang pengen punya jam tangan lagi ah, biar gak usah nyari-nyari hp dulu kalo mu tau waktu. Alasan lain yang lebih gaya: biar gak usah jauh-jauh liat jam kalo lagi eksperimen di fume hood. Soalnya di lab teh gak ada jam dinding, jadi kalo mu liat waktu reaksi, mesti muter dulu liat jam di layar telepon lab.


Setelah nyari-nyari tipe yang lucu dan harga terjangkau, pilihan jatuh pada tipe W95036L1 (gambar official dari Amazon UK). Alasan... mmm... pertama sih amazed karena ada efek pelangi di layarnya, jadi inget lagu Somewhere over the rainbow mrgreen. Tapi sempet shocked liat harganya dalam euro eek, ampe akhirnya surfing di semua online shop demi mendapat harga paliiiing murah, ke Itali pun jadi... heuheuh [orang cuman tinggal ngeklik klik ajah biggrin].




Rachma pesen tanggal dua Mei, bayar via paypal [yang ternyata masuk akun tanggal 5 Mei], ceritanya sih dishipping tanggal tiga, dan Rachma nerima surat tanggal 13, paket dah tiba tapi mesti ambil sendiri ke postkantoor terdekat. Tanggal 14 ke sana, eh taunya belum nyampe cenah, tanggal 13 tuh baru nyampe pusat, belum dianter ke Groningen. Jadinya ngambil kemarin, bermodalkan verblijf, pleus senyum mrgreen.

Kesan pertama, well-packaged... mari dibuka paketnyaaaa... wink
















Penasaran isinya kayak apa... yuk yuk dibuka... mrgreen
















Tapi ternyataaaa, jam tangannya gede pisaaan... longgar banget lah di tangan Rachma. Bahkan dah dicopot dua G-linknya pun [alias udah minimum modenya kayak gituh]... tetep ajah masih longgar, harus nambah daging kayaknya :sweaty:, atau itu sengaja disisain buat manset tangan mrgreen.
















So, semangat buat gain weight? Hehe, jadi Rachma lagi mikirin... gimana cara gain weight, tapi gak begitu banyak ngubah volum, alias bukan dengan menimbun lemak... heuheuh. Body building? ato muscle building? heheheheh. Rachma pernah ya nyoba home aerobic sepuluh menit, langsung tepar, heuheuheu, sambung seharian jalan-jalan di Maastricht... teparnya asli saminggu tah :sweaty:. Harus lebih dibiasakan olahraga teratur... how about joining sport club like Aclo then?

Soalnya ya, jadi Rachma tuh kan beli baju berpayet, pleus jilbab Taaj, online juga, hahah... hayoh we shopping... Abis di sini mah gak ada mall sih, jadi kalo lagi gak mood... penyalurannya ya lewat shopping online, browsing sana sini, hunting barang-barang lucuuuuu mrgreen. Jadilah beli suatu baju via multiply, tranfer lewat internet bankingnya BNI, terus minta dikirim ke rumah. Buat tau lucu ato gak? ya nanya orang rumah ateuuuuh, dan semua setuju baju itu lucu biggrin [ya iyalah, kalo gak lucu gak akan Rachma beli razz]. Pendapat paling objektif adalah dari adik Rachma yang cowok, atau dari Papa. Dan mereka juga bilang bajunya lucuuu [selucu harganya tapi razz].

Nah, Rachma kan pesen ukuran M, terus minta adik Rachma buat nyoba tuh baju. Dan ternyata, katanya teh bajunya gak muat di dia, soalnya emang tuh baju ngepas badan ukuran M. Rachma langsung shocked, emang berat badan adik Rachma berapa gitu, sekitar 45 kan... kok gak muat... rolleyes. Padahal kan udah bersemangat nambah berat badan mrgreen. Alhasil, kesimpulannya...mesti nambah berat, tapi mesti tetep well-shaped [hayah, dah mirip metropolis kieu... rolleyes].

Oya, ini Rachma embedkan sesi degromiest online, bisi ada yang mau dengerin lagi. Ini termasuk yang sesi bulan Maret, di mana setelah displit teh jadi banyak noisenya. Setelah dicek, yang bermasalah tuh bukan dari konversi wav ke mp3, tapi pas displit jadi dua file [soalnya upload gratisan kan dibatasin per filenya maksimal 50 mega]. Dulu ngesplit pake yang gratisan... dan sebelumnya gak bermasalah sama noise hasil split [mungkin karena dulu mah yang displitnya emang mp3 hasil rekaman studio, bukan hasil rekaman kamar YB mrgreen]. Untuk mengingatkan, materinya kaya gini:

Topik: Menggapai Pernikahan Barokah
Nara Sumber: Mbak Nona
Waktu: Jum'at 16 Mei 2008, 19.00 CET

Topik: Menjadi Pasien Cerdas, Mengapa Perlu?
Nara Sumber: Mbak Agnes
Waktu: Minggu 27 April 2008, 20.00 CET

Topik: Tips Memasak Enak, Cepat, Murah, dan Bergizi
Nara Sumber: Teh Nisa
Waktu: Minggu, 16 Maret 2008, 20.00 CET



Di luar hujan.... niat mau ke lab diurungkan, lagian... gak enak badan juga... akhir-akhir ini sering masuk angin...:tsk:. Itu mungkin salah satu alasan wajib nambah lemak, hehehe.


Anyway, Rachma suka suasana hari kalo ujan, soalnya... hmmm... ya suka ajah razz.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Pokona aya...

Bentang nu baranang
Nyaangan nyipta sajuta kalangkang
Baris rapih nyanding bulan
Kucap kicep ngahaleuang

Angin peuting ngahiliwir
Nyaliksik ati ngaguar pinanti
Cuang cieung ngumbara meulit diri
Meupeuskeun raga nu sepi

Awan mega nyimbutan langit
Ngagebat ngukir ngarakit
Tingbelesat ngageuingkeun nu haat
Lumut lamat mung sakilat

Aya soca nu nueteup seukeut saliwat
Nantang bentang, nantang bulan
Ngagegerkeun tiisna angin
Ngagebregkeun, nyapih kaasih
Ngagonjak tunggara

Ditembal imut salapis
Gugupay endah nyulam katresna
Banyu ngahias ngukirkeun warna
Nyingraykeun paceklik, ngaganti kapelik
Ngabengraskeun sumringah
Ngumbar bagja kanyaah
Nebarkeun gumbira dina manah

Eniwei bas wei on de wei... kahartos teu? Wehehehehe razz

-Miss my homeland-

Terjemahnya kira-kira seperti ini... [17 Mei 2008]
Ada...
Bintang terang
Bersinar mencipta sejuta bayang
Berbaris rapih mendampingi bulan
Kelap kelip bernyanyi riang

Angin malam bersemilir
Menyelusuri hati menggugah penantian
Ke sana ke mari dalam cemas mengembara melilit diri
Memecah raga yang sepi

Awan mega menyelimuti langit
Terhampar mengukir merakit
Terbang cepat membangunkan yang sadar hati
Lambat laun hanya sekilas

Ada mata yang menatap tajam selintas
Menantang bintang, menantang bulan
Menggebrak dinginnya angin
Menggoyahkan, memelihara kasih
Menggoda sengsara

Disahut satu senyum simpul
Melambai indah menyulam kasih
Berombak menghias mengukir warna
Menyingsingkan bencana, mengganti susah
Mencerahkan kesumringahan
Mengumumkan bahagia sayang
Menaburkan gembira dalam jiwa



[susah ternyata nyari diksi yang tepat dari Sunda ke Indo... asa jadi aneh malah mrgreen
mudah-mudahan tidak menghilangkan makna awal
Happy reading... wink]

Friday, 9 May 2008

Fahri-isme

Itu yang kelintas kalo ada hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan novel yang fenomenal tea, "ayat-ayat cinta". Subjektif, kalo dari segi novel, Rachma kurang suka penokohan yang melangit, jadinya lebih mirip sinetron, menjual mimpi, hanya saja kali ini package nya lebih cantik: agama.

Tapi untuk buku penggugah, tausiah-er, buku ini bagus. Over all, yang Rachma tangkap dari novel ini, ayat-ayat cinta itu me-refer ke ayat-ayat Al-Qurán, wujud cintanya Allah terhadap manusia. Saking sayangnya, saking kasihnya... dikasi penuntun jelas biar hidupnya selamat dunia akhirat. Tentunya, image sesuatu itu dipengaruhi oleh ilmu pembaca, latar belakang, dan lingkungan. Sebagaimana teori point of view... sesuatu itu tergantung dari mana kita menilai, gajah pun bisa terlihat jadi garis kalo dilihat dari sudut dan jarak tertentu.

Rachma bukan orang yang mudah mengidolakan sesuatu, bukan pula orang yang larut dengan trend. It's more like... I have my own world, I have my own path. Kadang bingung, bahkan miris... dengan orang-orang yang segitunya mengidolakan sosok Fahri, atau Aisha... or whatever. Pernah, ada seorang cowok yang membanggakan keikhwanannya, membanggakan kemiripan sifatnya dengan sosok Fahri, lantas dengan semangat 45nya, yakin akan mendapatkan sosok seorang Aisha-alike. Fisik dan hati Rachma tersenyum ngeliat fenomena itu, lantas terlintas "You cannot amaze me by that. I am not looking for a man masked Fahri-alike. I respect more... a man having his own unique personality". Isn't the world extremely boring? People follow what the trend is, letting their own shine shadowed by another figure. How pity.

Sejarah saat membaca novel itu... hmm... sekitar... tingkat tiga kali ya, atau tingkat dua? lupa mrgreen. Yang jelas... saat itu, lagi ada dalam fase mengenal "dunia". Yang asalnya terbiasa dengan lingkungan nyaman, aman, damai, penuh kasih sayang, pokoknya yang lurus-lurus ajah. Tiba-tiba melihat fenomena yang dinamis, berbagai karakter... seolah melihat sisi lain dunia... sisi gelapnya... [melebih-lebihkan razz]. Setelah berlalu lalang makan asam garam kehidupan... [naon deuih... :)) ], jadinya berkesimpulan... cowok itu makhluk yang harus diwaspadai, dan dunia cewek itu mengerikan, terlepas dari pelabelan ikhwan-akhwat-ammah. Yeah, cukup untuk menyimpan fear factor dalam hati. Kalo diinget-inget... kayaknya kerjaan Rachma tuh nangiiiis ajah, amazingly no body noticed [itulah gunanya kaca mata pleus perfect smile cool]. Not even my family knows those kind of things. Kalo pulang ke rumah... Rachma pulang membawa cerita seru, dan kalo akhir semesteran bawa info straight A. Everyone is happy then.

Yang bikin nyaman itu... kalo udah tiduran di pangkuan Mama, rambut dielus, sampai ketiduran beneran. I don't need to pathetically cry in front of her, I just need a really comfort rest, a really comfort rest... that is more than enough. Sekali waktu, Rachma pernah bilang sama Mama, "Ma... Rachma mah takut kalo nikah sama orang berlabel ikhwan... takut dipoligami mrgreen ". Suka tentram kalo denger Mama bilang, "siapa pun itu, yang penting kan hatinya. Mau ikhwan atau bukan, kalo hatinya baik... ya baik, kalo hatinya lembut ya pasti lembut". Pertanyaan selanjutnya, "gimana Rachma tau kalo seseorang berhati lembut???", jadi pe-er biggrin. Yang lebih seru pas lagi bergosip sama Mama, FYI... Rachma tuh jarang banget ngobrol-ngobrol masalah privasi sama Papa, jadi kalo sama Papa itu ngobrolnya masalah uang bulanan mrgreen, masalah politik, dan keilmuan, tak lupa masalah fashion, hehehehe, selera seni Papa tuh tinggi, tauu aja barang lucu, heuheu. Nah, Rachma kan sering bilang ke Mama, pengen jodoh yang sholeh. Terus kata Mama, Papa komen gini, "nu sholeh nu kumaha? da nu namina pameget mah, mun nyaketan istri teh nu ditunjukkeun na nu saena hungkul"... wehehehehe, ekstrim razz. Kalo prinsip Papa itu, "jangan mau diajak pacaran, kalo cowok serius mah ngadep ke Papa, bukan ngajak kamu pacaran buang-buang waktu gak jelas" ... [Siap, setuju Pak! mrgreen]. Tapi kalo prinsip Mama itu... "Gak apa-apa pacaran, asal Papa kamu gak tau"... weleh weleh rolleyes, Mamaku... heuheuheu [but still, love you ... miss you, Mom].

Kembali ke Fahri-isme, jadi... salah satu karakter yang Rachma list, yang berhati lembut itu ... [hihihi, kesannya feminine mrgreen], tidak mengganggap isu istri 4 sebagai suatu guyonan renyah. Yang terlintas ketika ada orang yang segitu ringannya membawa isu itu sebagai candaan adalah, "hatinya gak peka... pasti belum pernah ngerasa sedih ato sakit hati yang amat sangat, gimana coba kalo kasus itu teh menimpa ibunya? adik perempuannya? atau anak perempuannya?". Walo dipackage dalam pembeneran "becanda"... I still find it ridiculous. Kadang kelintas juga, gimana kalo kasus kaya gitu menimpa diri sendiri?

Eeto...
Will that case make my husband happier? If yes,,, hmm,,, what can I do, isn't marriage suppose to be happiness-alike? If my pain is worth his happiness, no point to complain... I just don't know how and where to bear it. But... if he is really the soulmate, he should know how scary the pain will be. So I do wonder what kind of man brave or even proud of doing that? and what kind of woman brave to hurt another woman? Scary... Yang jelas mah bukan termasuk yang berhati lembut, mungkin termasuk orang yang tidak terlalu menghargai hati, berkilah dengan suatu frase "asal alasannya syar'i".

To experience a lot of cases once in a time, for sure makes my heart beat faster, sometimes being hurt, tired. But everything has value, if I have never experienced something myself, I'll never know how precious it is, I cannot feel what other will feel, etc etc.

That's why I don't like waiting nor being waited. Even if I love somebody, that doesn't mean I wait for him, thus more or less I'm not really interested in what he is doing. If he tells the story, I listen, I comment, I advise, seriously... with all my attention, my heart wink . If he is sad, confused, tired, I try to cheer him up, I support, I encourage, I help. If he is that busy, I enjoy my "me" time. If he is such happy to "look around", I don't mind ... just let him do whatever he wants, he for sure will always find me smiling nicely. As long as he says it, I consider it heartily. But if he doesn't dare to convey what he feels, doesn't dare to share what is actually happening ... don't ever expect me to find it out myself. Yeah, no extra free attention unfortunately, not yet wink. I worry, I am sad, I am hurt,,, I keep it for my self. If he cannot value such simple things, for sure he is not worth my precious time. Blacklisted, with a perfect nice smile.

I will not waste my time to be looked extremely good in front of him, why should I anyway? Not my husband yet, better to save my energy for another important things. Actually, it's more convenient if he thinks a bad image about me. That will be a very good filter, a very natural selection. As a simple question I always ask, is he interested in me... or... in any attributes within me?
In relation with this fahri-ism, a trend to look for perfect figure... ma... ma... I do hate such kind of things.

Once upon a time, I asked someone... "why do you like me?"... he answered "I like your voice". What the??? !@#$%&^&*
Since then, few years ago... I stop receiving unnecessary phone call. I almost hate doing voice call. I also change the way I talk, avoiding that cute-soft-talk way. I feel safer when I talk in high note mrgreen. Or other answer such as "I like you because you are smart... bla bla bla....". Geeze, dunno why but I don't like the answer... it sounds more like high "beeeeeeep... beeeeeep", a wrong password. Since then, I hate talking something related to SARA [suku, agama, ras, dan akademik razz], heheheh. Mostly I avoid meeting people, man especially. Dunno why, but I enjoy my own world, I feel safer in it, ya it's lonely... but I feel safe, I am way too afraid to get hurt. Thus, it's quite hard for me to accept somebody unexpectedly already in my heart. Not to mention that fahri-ism thing, it seems so fuzzy.

People often ask, "What kind of man do you want?"... and I simply whisper in my heart... I don't know. I don't even have the criteria of him. My soulmate ... he could be anyone, but he is already here in the world, or maybe... do I still have time to meet him? do I even deserve to ask for criteria??? I enjoy the mystery in it, I love surprise anyway. It will be the sweetest gift wink. Eeto... Should I also give him a little surprise? mrgreen

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Get used to

Sebagaimana mudah bosannya terhadap sesuatu, Rachma juga mudah sekali beradaptasi sama sesuatu mrgreen. Mungkin... Rachma ahli sekali berada pada kondisi ekstrim, dan bisa berubah kapan sajah, hehehehe. Kalo udah suka ya sukaaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget, kalo udah gak suka ya gak suka, gak bisa ditawar-tawar. Nee is Nee.


Misal... sekali waktu... pengeeeeeen banget beli suatu barang lucu, tapi karena satu dan lain hal, proses beli membeli tertunda, dan Rachma mendapati ... ngg... It was in the past, I am not interested in buying that thing anymore. As simple as it is cool.


Pernah sekali waktu ... kangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen banget sama seseorang [kasian nih orang dikangenin, huehehehe twisted], tapi karena satu dan lain hal, Rachma terbiasa jauh dari orang itu... dan seperti bisa ditebak, karena terbiasa jauh,,, jadilah pas ketemu itu terasa biasa-biasa sajah, gak ada itu istilah melepas kangen razz. See? It's all about habit. Udah gitu, akan sangat berbahaya kalo Rachma udah main logika, huehehehe. Pastiiii aja semuanya disaring dulu, dipertimbangkan dulu... ah pokokna mah ribet weh, ampe Rachma pun pusing sendiri :)). Harus berhati-hati kalo ngeliat Rachma sering senyum, itu artinya di kepala lagi mikir yang aneh-aneh, komplikasi, dan biasanya ekstrim, weheheheh. Bahkan kadang terlintas... macam... "hmm... you think you are that almighty? Prove me that you are worth my love then".


Tapi itu bisa berubah, apalagi setelah mikir-mikir [secara kalo logika lagi on, suka dipikirinnya teh lamaaaaa dan ribet]... "how can I stand talking with him in hours... for the so called unnecessary things?". Kalo sama orang lain pasti mikirnya, "penting gak? kalo gak penting mah males ah... asa buang-buang waktu ... twisted ". So, the weak spot is... ketika jadi cewek, ketika lagi gak bisa mikir jernih, ketika perasaan menguasai logika. Saat-saat kaya gitu ditemui ketika lagi... patah hati :)), sedih, lonely, suntuk, pokoknya yang kebalikan happy selain stres. Justru kalo lagi stres, logika Rachma berjalan amat sangat baik, hihihi. Jadi dalam masa-masa happy opposite, Rachma justru cenderung menghindari deket sama orang, sahabat cewek sekalipun, apalagi dengan makhluk bergender cowok, soalnya itu saat-saat pertahanan hati lagi runtuh, kekekek mrgreen. Masa-masa kaya gitu mudah sekali "terperangkap" [susah nyari padanan kata yang tepat razz], terlena, dan dependent, and I do hate those kinds of things.


Tapi tentu saja, episode hidup itu sudah ada yang mengatur. Ada yang datang, ada yang pergi, semua ngasi bumbu tersendiri, ngasi pernak pernik biar hidup lebih berwarna. Walopun keukeuh kumeukeuh udah tau sifat diri sendiri, udah tau spot-spot mana yang harus dihindari, ada saat-saat di mana sesuatu itu terjadi di luar kontrol manusia. Banyak habit yang bisa berubah begitu saja, dan tiba-tiba berintegrasi dengan kehidupan sehari-hari dan terasa -lagi- sebagai habit. Yang namanya hati itu ternyata emang mudah sekali berbolak balik, da yang jelas mah yang kuasa terhadap setiap qolbu tuh tetep aja Allah. Walo udah nerapin berbagai doktrin, tetep ajah gak ngaruh, heuheuheu :)). Misal ya, nerapin doktrin tukang beca. Jadi kan Rachma itu harus ngebayangin dia jadi kaya tukang beca... nah jadinya kan kalo ke tukang beca mah, ya respectnya juga lebih ke respect ke orang yang lebih tua, gak dibarengi ada hati mrgreen. Pas Rachma ngebayangin dia jadi tukang beca... yang kebayang itu... "tukang becanya terlalu keren eta mah, sigana banyak cewek bakal ngantri beralih pengen naik beca", huehehehehe [inget tentang sejarah fans clubnya, jadi ill feel eek]. Pokokna mah biar mempan teh... harus pake jurus eksponensial protection, bukan double protection lagi, hihihi. Soalnya, mulai ngerasa, ngaku... kalo ngomong sama dia itu, pasti aja dia tau celah-celah buat menang, ato mungkin kebetulan aja sih [pembelaan mrgreen]. Walo udah main logika, jalur logikanya dia lebih logis [ I do hate to admit that fact]. Tauuu aja cara drawing my emotions in, meruntuhkan... keangkuhan? razz. Is it all coincidence? I am amazed myself. Singkat kata, sama Rachma dikasi cap... dia mah menggoda iman, heheheheh pake bahasa ekstrim sekalian, hihihi mrgreen. Jadi harus diwaspadai, "Watch out!!! It's dangerous!!! " ... kekekek [kasian betul orangnya Rachma protes-protes di sini, huehehehe. Tenang sodara-sodara, Rachma mah depan orangnya ge protes selalu, heuheuheu twisted, tapi dia mah terlalu sabar, jadi sebel... kan jadi kaya Rachma gitu yang jahatnya teh. Walo iya juga, da gak pengen jadi yang disalahin, heheheh mrgreen]. I do love hearing him laughing while saying "wakatta", hehehe, that means no more arguing, and of course I win. Mau gimana gimana juga, yang menangnya tetep Rachma, hehehehe twisted [padahal ini melanggar doktrin "penjajahan di atas dunia harus dihapuskan", heuheuheu].


All of sudden, I realize... something is going too far. Getting used to existence of a person is not really much good idea. It's a burden, at least that's what I feel. I run all the way of my life to keep all the love I have for a special one, no one can get my love for free, but right somewhere in my journey, somebody steals it. Then I ask God, "is he really worth my love?"


Step by step I always look for little unnecessary things which I can assume they can be the reasons to state, "he is not worth my love, he is not worth my precious time, he is not worth my only heart, he doesn't deserve to have me". It would be me who would always be watching the person whom my self would belong to. But sometimes... I am defeated for no reasons. To say that my heart betrays me, I have no idea. Maybe that's just how the love works, to remind me... I'm just the so called woman. With persistence or not... there are times ... there is age when woman should follow an order, following natural roles. As simple as it is.


When I follow my heart, everything seems to be simple, natural, happy. When it comes to logic, it seems to be a lot more complicated...
rolleyes. Somewhere between, I find myself easily doubting something, easily changing, probably somewhat more reactive. Nande atashi ga? Somewhat, I wonder I can find a place where I can really be a woman, without any obligation to think a heavy matter like a scientist should do, like a leader should be. Somewhat, I am looking for a place where I can act naturally as woman, without any tasks to be that super diligent, independent, outstanding, strong. Somehow, I find my self wandering around looking for a very homy place, where I can be fully enjoying life, waiting for somebody, taking care of others, serving food, knitting...
Isn't that too deep girly???
mrgreen
Or should I say... it is much closer to laziness???
Trying to run away from reality using a mask of "being a woman"???


A silly thing, for some reasons... I am such so grateful... that the one who takes promise -mitsaqon ghalido- with God is man, not woman. I know too well, that I am way too vulnerable to take responsibility of the promise. Then I start to think... he, in which in the future will be the so-called husband, the one who signs the contract with God to take care of me, to take care of our family, to make sure we are safe until the end of the world... isn't that a very abundant responsibility? What makes him so sure that he can take care of me? What makes him so brave to take such huge promise? What makes him so confident to take a lead? Is the word "love" proper enough to describe those kind of things?


Out of nowhere, I feel... "poor him... to take such great responsibility". Has he ever been afraid that he might choose a wrong one? Cause I still feel it is like gambling. What if I do something silly in the future? Or maybe not me, but our children...silly enough to give him a little trouble when he is on the judgment day in front of God... has he ever really thought about it? Sughoi ne, to have such confidence, willing to take huge responsibility. Mada... mada... moshikashite... it is more than enough reason to put respect on him. If it is meant to be, then it will be. As Nee is nee, then ja is ja. As you always say, "otagai ganbarimashou ne". Looking forward to see you soon.
Kimi ni aitakute... wink


Kangen rumaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Monday, 5 May 2008

Imajinasi

Lagi, ngisi test di web Tickle mrgreen, kali ini tentang inkbolt, sejauh mana bisa berimajinasi, hihihi. Pas liat pilihan-pilihannya, sempet kaget juga... "emang dari gambar kaya gini, ada orang yang mengimajinasikan sampe segitunya???"

Dan yang lebih kaget lagi pas liat hasil testnya, hihihi. Kok bisa ya diterjemahin ke arah "love", bener lagi terjemahannya, huehehehe. Jadi lain kali, berhati-hati lah pada orang yang emang "ahli" psikologi :sweaty:






Your inkblot report
Unlocking your unconscious
Responses to Tickle's inkblot test
History behind the test
For More Reading
Your Inkblot Report


Rachmawati, your unconscious mind is driven most by

Love


By having your unconscious mind driven most by Love, it appears that you're one who values your relationships. It's also likely that you expend more energy than most people do in seeking out and maintaining meaningful ties with others. Your ability to connect emotionally with other people is a gift you shouldn't take lightly as not everyone possesses it. Your heightened drive for love can make you a giving and caring individual, whether you're staying in close contact with your network of friends or taking time out for that special someone.

People who have love as their unconscious drive tend to be nurturing types who are good at taking care of those around them. If this is true for you, then you probably find that you enjoy feeling needed and are happy when you can do things for the people you care about. Just remember that among all of your efforts, it's important to take time for yourself as well.

As one with love as your unconscious drive, you may feel like a bit of a dreamer. If your head is sometimes filled with fantasies about great dates or even living happily ever after, it's not so surprising. And whether or not you're willing to admit it, you might also have a soft spot for the kind of romantic movies, books, and music that others find sappy. Remember that this softer side of your personality is an asset that can help you fully enjoy your life, even though during tough times it may not feel like it. By keeping a positive outlook and an active social schedule, you'll have a better chance of living the kind of love you dream about.





Your inkblot report
Unlocking your unconscious
Responses to Tickle's inkblot test
History behind the test
For More Reading
Unlocking your unconscious

Your responses to the inkblots reveal more than just what drives your unconscious mind. They also uncover some central details about your personality, perspective, and relationships with others. Your unconscious mind colors these characteristics but is different from them. Here's what your responses indicated:

Your concept of reality
Your concept of reality is highly similar to that of others but not an exact match. Your perceptions seem to fall in between those who create their own unique realities and those who possess more mainstream perspectives. Because you straddle that middle ground of being in agreement with others and having your own opinions of the world, you can be both a follower and a leader. You can be a follower in the sense that you probably don't have trouble going along with the group most times since others' ideas will usually seem rational to you. You can be a leader because your creative viewpoints may sometimes allow you to guide others in new directions.

The difficulty for people like you is that at times you may feel pulled between taking the popular viewpoint and accepting your own vision of what is right. Because your concept of reality is rarely off the deep end, you can generally feel confident that there's something valid in your perspectives. Even if others don't always share your views, try not to let the masses talk you out of them. There can sometimes be great value in forging your own path. Finding a healthy balance between others' ideas and your own can be key to both your relationships and success.

Take Action
Gaining confidence in the validity of your perceptions can be very valuable for types like you. When you find yourself doubting an opinion that is uniquely yours, try taking a step back to ask yourself where your uncertainty is coming from. Is it because you truly suspect that you're wrong, because others believe you are wrong, or because you're not clear on what your opinion really is? By honestly reflecting on your views, you can develop stronger convictions and feel less susceptible to others' sway.

Rather than trying to determine whether you can trust your perceptions on a case-by-case basis, over time you'll be able to develop gut instincts about the quality of your views. Here's an exercise to help you test not only what you think, but also how strongly you believe in your perceptions.

Think back to the last time you went to the grocery store. Then, take out a piece of paper and a pen and map out the layout of the grocery store as you remember it. Be as specific as possible, including details of where different food groups are located, how many aisles there are, the number of checkout lanes, and so forth. Mark those things that you are sure about with a star versus those you're just pretty sure about.

Then, on your next trip to the store, take your drawing with you and grade yourself on how accurately you depicted it. Were there certain things you got right but others you were way off on? If so, don't feel discouraged. Some people will get the number of aisles right but will misremember food locations. Others will know exactly where their favorite foods are but won't remember anything else about the store. Doing exercises like this one can help you sort out the quality of your perceptions as well as bolster your belief in yourself.


Your mental flexibility
This section looks as the flexibility of your opinions, values, and perspective. To determine your result, Tickle's experts examined both the fluidity of your thinking and the rigidity of your opinions.

Based on your responses, you're reasonably flexible in your thinking and opinions. As a result, when dealing with most topics, you can easily consider other people's views. However, if a conversation centers on one of your core values, you're typically more reluctant to entertain other ways of thinking. This is true for most people. After all, it's good to have strong opinions on issues of importance. These views help create a foundation for what you believe in. Naturally, your ideas can change and develop over time. But particularly in your case, it's unlikely that they'll be radically different from day to day.

Occasionally your certainty can result in missed opportunities. If you're too sure of your values, you might forego the chance to observe a different way of being. You might also fail to imagine a way of life that might actually make you happier. If you find that you are excessively defensive on certain topics, it's likely because of one of the following reasons. Either the area is something you've had extensive experience with, and therefore have personal history to base your views on. Or, your defensiveness could be covering up a deep wound or insecurity that you're afraid will be exposed if you open yourself up to a new way of thinking.

Take Action
When you find yourself behaving defensively about one of your opinions, instead of escalating the situation or shutting down, take a moment to step back and examine your beliefs. Have you formed your opinion based on sound knowledge and experience, or is it merely convenient for you to think that way? At times, you might be surprised to find that fear or even simple laziness is at the root of some of your views. When trying to uncover what is really bothering you about having your viewpoint questioned, ask yourself: "What would be so bad if my opinion were wrong?" In finding out what you have to lose by changing your opinion you can come to some deep understanding about your true values and motivations.


You Level of Fantasy
Some people fantasize nearly nonstop, others rarely do, and the majority of people fall somewhere in between. Imagination and the ability to create alternate realities are the two factors that determine whether or not a person is capable of having a highly colorful fantasy life. However, not everyone who can fantasize does. For example, if two strangers who were both capable of fantasizing were sitting next to one another on a bus, one might still spend the whole ride thinking about paying their bills and formulating their next to-do list, while the other could be envisioning taking a siesta on a tropical island. For Tickle's Inblot Test, having a high level of fantasy involves both having the mental tools necessary to fantasize and putting them to use.

Being prone to fantasy can be thought of as a spectacular gift. Fantasy can give one the ability to create a made-up world much more captivating and pleasurable than the usual day-to-day realities. This can be a wonderful asset as you go though life - a free form of entertainment that you can use any time.

Some people look at those who are fantasy prone in a derogatory way. They feel that the more realistically a person thinks, the saner they are. Indeed, most definitions of "abnormal" refer to what is "unusual" or "not frequent". Clinical experts sometimes look at fantasy as a means of trying to escape reality, rather that face what's there.

Regardless of how one feels about fantasy, its value is heavily dependent on how it's used. If you use fantasy to visualize improvements in your life without ignoring important realities, then fantasy can be a useful talent. It can help you maintain your optimism and even to devise novel solutions to your problems. However, if fantasy is something you retreat into as a way of denying reality, then you might want to reconsider your use of it.

Tickle's experts found that you are certainly capable of fantasizing and may even enjoy keeping yourself entertained that way. However, based on your responses, your first reaction to stress probably isn't to create an alternate universe or to imagine things differently than they actually are. In fact, you appear to have the nice balance of having the gift of fantasy at your disposal without having the tendency to overly rely on it. In other words, when it comes to fantasy, you typically use it, but don't abuse it.

Fantasy is a technique frequently employed by people living under harsh conditions in order to ease their stress. In this way, imagination can be a vital tool for prison inmates who live in depressing, restrictive conditions day in and day out. Using the power of fantasy can also be a profound relief for people living in poverty and in war zones. In fact, there are many people who live in adverse situations or deal with other painful circumstances that could benefit from occasional relief through fantasy.

Fantasy only becomes a problem when you ignore something you need to deal with because you have the ability to fantasize it away. For example, imagine you have a problem with an aunt of yours. Perhaps this aunt says something that upsets you almost every time you talk with her. As a result, after a while you stop listening to her in favor of pretending that you're someplace else entirely. The fantasy you create for yourself might be more exciting - and far less annoying, but it doesn't change this detrimental pattern between you and your aunt. A better response might be to put your fantasies aside for a while to address your aunt's poor communication style head-on.

At it's worst, fantasy can keep you from making important lifestyle choices. For instance, if you fantasize that you have boundless energy and are a wonderful athlete, and in the meantime sit on your couch eating potato chips and playing video games, there will eventually come a time where you won't be able to deny what is really happening to your body and you will have to tend to the reality of your deteriorating health. However, there's no reason that you have to let fantasy affect you in these negative ways. So long as you pay attention to the aspects of your life that need addressing, like your health or your career, you should be able to use fantasy and creative visualizations to bolster your happiness and success, not impede them.

How you relate to others
Your relationships are complex things. One important aspect affecting all of them is the role that you play when interacting with others. Do you typically take an active approach when dealing with the people around you, or do you tend to behave more passively? According to your test responses, you appear to have a balanced approach to interacting. You're not consistently the one who is active or passive. This mixed pattern indicates that, relative to other people, you try to either be sensitive to the needs of a particular situation or the people with whom you're dealing. By being able to adjust your approach depending on how the others are behaving, you can handle most situations with ease. Your friends may see you as a great listener or a savvy communicator because of your gift for reading people.

The overall effect of this balanced approach is that you have more options available to you when it comes to your communication style. The possible downside to this fact is that certain individuals with a balanced approach can get confused about which approach feels most natural to them — not just to the situation. While flexibility is a good thing, if you behave solely according to what's going on around you, it can wear on your sense of self.

Another difficulty you may find yourself running up against is that your balanced style may seem like inconsistency to other people. For example, if one day you take the lead in a group and the next day you choose to follow, this transition can be unsettling to those around you. Also when you're dealing with someone who is also balanced in their approach, your relationship can become an elaborate dance where each of you is trying to figure out who's taking charge. If you find yourself in a situation like this one, consider making your style more consistent — whether active or passive — in order to avoid potential confusion.





Your inkblot report
Unlocking your unconscious
Responses to Tickle's inkblot test
History behind the test
For More Reading
Responses to Tickle's inkblot test

Tickle's research team thought that you might find it interesting to compare your answers to those that we got from other people. For this reason, we've included the inkblots from the test along with the percentages of people that responded for each option.


Inkblot #1

Your answer

1.Which of these choices most closely captures the emotional impact of the inkblot?


18%Happiness, joy, hope, positivity, or excitement


22%Calmness or serenity


4%Fear, disgust, terror, or feeling threatened


50%Curiosity, interest, or provoking thought


5%Turmoil, confusion, despair, gloom, or feeling trapped


2.What was the strongest image you saw in this inkblot?



24%Airplane, space ship, or space craft


13%Person

16%Bug or insect


4%Flower


6%Diamond, jewel, or glass


3%Frog


2%Forest


5%Motorcycle


2%Bird


6%Some type of animal not listed above


4%More than one animal


5%I saw nothing


11%None of the above


3.Did you see anything sexual in this inkblot?



17%Yes


9%Maybe

74%No


4.Does this inkblot seem like it's:



16%Ancient or from the past


21%Contemporary

45%Futuristic, or occurring in the future


13%I don't know


5%None of the above


5.Did you see anything involving aliens or outer-space vehicles in this inkblot?



28%Yes

21%Maybe


51%No




Inkblot #2

6.Of these emotions, which did this inkblot most strongly convey?



14%Pride


22%Anger

2%Disgust


4%Confusion


3%Happiness


6%Insanity


3%Depression


8%Concern


28%Fear


10%Nothing


7.Which of the following choices most closely resembles what you saw in this inkblot?



4%A bat

12%A monster or alien


4%A superhero


38%An evil or dark creature


4%A male or female figure


15%A part-human, part-animal


2%A mixture of two different non-human animal species


7%A bug (bee, fly, moth, etc.)


6%A wizard or witch


1%An elephant


2%An angel


3%A gargoyle


2%None of the above


8.Did you see (if you saw more than one of these images, pick the image you saw first):



13%Lungs


1%A frog


3%A flower


1%A penis


3%A volcano

27%An animal


51%None of the above


9.Of these feelings, which did the inkblot most strongly convey?



1%Humor


3%Passion


3%Calmness


1%Shock


2%Nervousness


9%Cruelty


39%Power


13%Mystery

27%Creepy/freaky


1%Pity


1%Nothing


10.Check which of these things, if any, stood out the most in this inkblot:



24%A cape, robe, or coat


3%Weapons

50%Wings


15%Eyes


4%A costume


2%A sunset


3%None of the above




Inkblot #3

11.Is this inkblot more masculine or feminine?



17%Masculine

57%Feminine


26%Neither


12.Which of the following things did you see in this inkblot?


24%A fairy, angel, or elf


26%A mosquito, wasp, fly, dragonfly, bee, or hornet


5%A cricket, bug, grasshopper, or ant


1%A bird


1%A flower


27%Two flying creatures


7%A combination of flying and non-flying creatures


3%A pelvis bone


1%A nipple


1%A cloud


4%None of the above


13.Which emotion does this inkblot most strongly convey?



2%Lust


12%Happiness


4%Anxiety


3%Disgust


3%Hatred


3%Pain


4%Despair

7%Warmth


7%Love


10%Both happiness and sadness


8%Romance


14%Innocence


24%None of the above


14.Did you see any of these things in this inkblot?



3%A bat


1%A man

14%A woman


2%A child


1%A ship


1%A salamander


1%A moose


1%A lion


2%A scorpion or spider


1%A rat or mouse


6%A skeleton or skull


65%None of the above


15.Were you sexually aroused by this inkblot?



1%Very much

4%Somewhat


9%Barely


86%Not one bit


16.Try to find two flying insects in this inkblot. What are they doing?


13%Kissing


2%Having sex


36%Facing each other


5%Fighting violently


2%Holding each other


10%Dancing


8%Conversing


4%Eating


6%Flying


1%Dreaming


1%Arguing


9%Meeting


3%Thinking about what to do next


1%Nothing


2%I don't see two flying insects in the inkblot


17.We asked Tickle members to write several open-ended responses to this inkblot. Below we have listed two real responses and one that is made-up. Which of these is the made-up response?



38%Two boa constrictors about to strike


10%Two skeleton mice dancing

52%A smiling cow




Inkblot #4

18.Can you see the image of a chicken in this inkblot?



5%Yes, many

20%Yes, one


75%No, none


19.Look for a frog in this inkblot. Is the frog:



29%Hit by a car or otherwise squashed


26%Dissected


9%Jumping or moving about


20%Reaching out its arms


11%Lying still

5%Dead (though not squashed or dissected)




Inkblot #5

20.Was it unpleasant to look at this inkblot?



8%Definitely unpleasant


36%Somewhat unpleasant

44%Neutral


12%Pleasant


21.What best summarizes what you saw in this inkblot?



25%An explosion


3%A cloud

15%A plane/helicopter/jet


3%Water


4%A person sitting in something


3%A totem pole


3%A race car


5%A butterfly/dragonfly


4%A bird


1%A swimmer


3%A face


5%A bike, motorcycle, or handlebars


6%An animal or animals


5%A person or people


16%What I saw is totally different from this


22.If this inkblot were a temperature, would it be hot or cold?



47%Hot

36%Cold


18%It conveys nothing about temperature


23.Which of the following things, if any, stood out to you the most?



8%Water


21%Smoke


9%A cloud or clouds


3%A setting sun

2%Rocks


2%Land


26%Blood


2%Hair


7%A storm


20%None of the above


24.What might this inkblot symbolize?


22%War


28%Chaos


4%Evil


3%Relationships


9%Emotions


5%A headache


12%Spirituality


17%A warning


25.Which of the following things is the easiest for you to see in the inkblot?



4%A police chase at night


12%A spine


12%A canyon


10%An alien


11%A sorcerer


4%A circus act


12%A murder


6%A fight

30%An accident


26.We asked Tickle members to write several open-ended responses to this inkblot. Below we have listed five real responses and one that is made-up. Which of these is the made-up response?



8%A lighthouse on a not-so-distant shore during a dark, cloudy, and stormy night


17%An old person in grief over a murdered loved one

30%Two people having amazing sex


23%Two kids kissing in the dark


16%A god with his eyes closed viewing a totem pole with peace


6%A sorcerer or sorceress performing a spell




Inkblot #6

27.Does this inkblot make you feel nostalgic?



3%Definitely

26%Somewhat


28%Hardly at all


43%Definitely not


28.Which of the following most closely matches what you saw in this inkblot?



14%Rings from a drinking glass


19%Breasts

30%Eyes or glasses


1%A teacher


7%Fish and bubbles


6%Something circus-related


1%Jewelry


3%A face


5%Animals or birds


1%Hula-hoops


7%Groucho Marx, Mario, or Charlie Chaplin


2%A person or people


5%None of the above


29.Which of the following songs does this inkblot most remind you of?



26%I Will Survive


44%Hopelessly Devoted to You


15%Let's Talk About Sex

15%I don't know any of those songs


30.Look for eyes in this inkblot. What are they doing?



9%Staring straight at me

72%Looking up


3%Crying


12%Searching


2%Nothing


1%I can't see eyes in the inkblot




Inkblot #7

31.What was your initial emotional reaction to this inkblot?


14%Fear


12%Surprise


9%Disgust


10%Amusement or laughter


1%Pain


1%Grief


2%Sadness


20%Mixed emotions


2%Sexual arousal


29%Neutral


32.Of the following, what was the thing you saw most clearly in this inkblot?



12%A dragon or monster


22%A mask


3%A person


5%A clown


2%A mountain


14%A bug, ant, insect, beetle, or cockroach


3%A spider


1%A crab


1%A two-headed man


5%A part or parts of a face (e.g., teeth)

8%A whole face


7%A frog


5%A skull


10%Some other animal


2%None of the above


33.What do you think is happening in this inkblot?



11%Nothing


6%Climbing or jumping


1%Running


4%Killing


9%Lying, sitting, or squatting


2%Lifting


11%Getting ready to do something


3%Feeding or eating


6%Smiling


4%Dancing

39%Glaring


4%None of these


34.Of the following, which word or words best describe what you saw in this inkblot?



17%Deformed or mutated

5%Torn apart


20%Evil


6%Flattened


17%Ugly


15%Crazy


15%Normal


7%Beautiful


35.Which of the following can you most easily see in this inkblot?


12%A robot


7%Mr. Potatohead


36%A pelvic bone


27%The female reproductive system


13%Shadows of people


6%A war




Inkblot #8

36.What is the emotion most strongly conveyed by this inkblot?


2%Pleasure or happiness


23%Serenity or calmness


20%Uneasiness


6%Nostalgia


5%Sadness


2%Stupidity


4%Freedom


7%Harmony


2%Security


14%Curiosity


13%None of the above


37.What was the first thing you saw in this inkblot?


29%A butterfly or moth


20%Devil(s)


1%Flower(s)


11%Sea horse(s)


5%Unicorn(s)


3%Fetus(es)


5%An old man or men


3%Ribs or lungs


11%Two animals or non-human creatures


5%Two people


1%One person


3%An animal head or skull


2%None of the above


38.Did you see any of the following things in this inkblot?



2%Blood

5%Feces


14%Smoke


4%Water


31%A veil or cloth


2%Urine


6%A mirror


39%None of the above


39.Were there parts of this inkblot you had to ignore in order to make sense of it?



2%Yes, lots


11%Several parts

38%One or two small parts


49%I used all the parts to form my primary impression


40.We asked Tickle members to write several open-ended responses to this inkblot. Below we have listed one real response and two that are made-up. Which of these is the real response?


30% Two devils with condoms on their heads


47%A footprint of an evil beast


23%Two slugs and their shadows


41.Imagine that the inkblot is really a picture of a butterfly. Of the following options, which best summarizes the butterfly's nature?



31%Kind

17%Cruel


52%Indifferent


42.Which most closely describes the butterfly?


21%Active


56%Still


23%Dead




Inkblot #9

43.Which of these things did you notice most when you first looked at the inkblot?



8%A mask

12%Glasses


43%Eyes


9%Ball(s)


6%Egg(s)


6%Testicles


18%None of the above


44.Some Tickle members reported seeing parts of the human body or clothes in this inkblot. Which of these Tickle member responses is easiest for you to see in this inkblot?



7%A fur-lined bra


13%A man's testicles


3%A hipbone


7%A pelvis


4%A rear end

18%A woman's ovaries


10%A vagina


5%A penis


15%Breasts


18%I can't see any of these things in the inkblot




Inkblot #10

45.If you had to choose, does this inkblot make you feel more sad or calm?



15%Sad

85%Calm


46.What best describes what you saw in this inkblot?



36%Two women


3%Two men


3%Two children or a mix of women, men, and children


7%A male body

30%A female body


1%A child's body


6%A goat


1%A dog


2%A rabbit


1%A butterfly


1%An insect


4%An animal face


1%Some other animal's body


4%None of the above


47.Of the following things, which is easiest for you to see in this inkblot?



6%Drool


4%Makeup


8%Scarves


4%A handlebar mustache


4%Blood


4%A river


1%A forest


3%A parking meter


3%A bird bath


8%A grinning demon

55%None of the above


48.Imagine that there are two people pictured in this inkblot; one on the left-hand side and one on the right-hand side. What are they doing?


29%Talking


12%Dancing


1%Sleeping


35%Hugging or holding hands


4%Thinking


1%Fighting


1%Running


6%Conspiring


1%Struggling


9%None of the above


49.We asked Tickle members to write open-ended responses to this inkblot. Below we have listed three real responses and one that is made-up. Which of these is the made-up response?



36%Two cows holding hands

19%A gazelle that just took a drink of water


28%A grumpy bunny


17%A soldier looking in the mirror




Inkblot #11

50.How did this inkblot make you feel?


14%Uneasy


21%Positive


9%Negative


29%Neutral


18%Nothing


9%I don't know


51.When you first looked at this inkblot, did you see any of the following things? If you saw more than one, pick the one that stood out most to you.



5%A face


20%Guns

5%A bug or fly, etc.


5%One animal


16%Horses


10%Dogs


1%A landscape


10%More than two creatures (excluding humans)


1%A flower


2%The head of a penis


2%I didn't see anything in this inkblot


23%None of the above


52.Is there anything sexually arousing about this inkblot?



7%Yes, obviously


22%Possibly

71%No


53.Did you see a cowboy, or someone wearing a uniform or costume?



25%Yes

14%Maybe


61%No


54.Does this inkblot remind you of anyone you know?



5%Yes, several people


10%Yes, one person


5%Yes, myself

80%No


55.Can you identify naked people or a woman's breasts in this inkblot?



23%Yes, easily


32%Yes, but it took a second look to see it

45%No, I can't see this


56.Some people have reported seeing one or more people in this inkblot. If you are able to see any people (try looking at the inkblot again if you didn't see any people initially), what are they doing?



7%Having sex


12%Being violent


3%Nothing, they are dead


3%Nothing, they are immobilized by fear


11%Nothing, they are still


5%Competing


20%Outstretching their arms for a hug

16%Being physically active, but not in a violent or sexual manner


24%None of the above





Your inkblot report
Unlocking your unconscious
Responses to Tickle's inkblot test
History behind the test
For More Reading
History behind the test

Hermann Rorschach is the most well known clinician to have worked with inkblots in a clinical setting, but he was not the first. Psychologists have been using inkblots to make inferences about personality since the 1850s.

During Rorschach's work in the early 1900s, he noticed that certain types of patients responded to inkblots in similar ways. Through years of empirical testing, Rorschach was able to determine patterns between how people responded to the inkblots and certain personality traits. For more than a decade, Rorschach continued to develop his theories and the Rorschach Inkblot Test until his death in 1922.

In the years following Rorschach's death, there were several different scoring methods presented by different researchers. However, having all these different methodologies made scoring and interpretation of the test confusing. Then in the late 1960s and early 1970s, John Exner took on the formidable challenge of putting together the different systems of thought to come up with a standardized scoring methodology. Exner's work, along with the contributions of other researchers such as Weiner (see reference list below), has created a foundation for how the Rorschach is used today. A study published in 1995 confirmed that about 82% of mental health clinicians regularly use the Rorschach in their practices, indicating that use of inkblots is still alive and well.

To use the Rorschach test properly, it needs to be administered in a clinical setting where the clinician allows the subject to say whatever is on their mind. Given this is not possible to do in a widely administered online assessment, Tickle took on the challenge of using the concepts and findings of Rorschach research to create its own online Inkblot test. Tickle's Inkblot Test is designed as an online psychological instrument with strong psychometric properties of its own. One major difference between Tickle's Inkblot Test and the Rorschach Test is that Tickle developed its test to reflect the tendencies of the normal population. The Rorschach was designed to detect psychopathology, such as schizophrenia. To make the wisdom gained through Rorschach available to the public, Tickle translated it so that it is relevant to all people and simultaneously more accessible because of the ease in administration.

Tickle's test provides a modern interpretation of inkblot testing based both on years of careful clinical work, as well as on the responses of thousands of Tickle members who gave us their impressions of a series of inkblots.

The methodology behind Tickle's Inkblot Test consisted of three steps:
  1. Tickle created online inkblots and gathered open-ended feedback from thousands of users about what the inkblots meant to them.
  2. Tickle's research team used the collected responses to develop a survey consisting of multiple-choice questions about the inkblots. The survey questions were designed based on themes that appeared in people's open-ended inkblot responses. The types of questions included those assessing patterns identified through classical theory, and by asking questions about the inkblots and correlating those questions to other information Tickle's test gathered about users' behaviors and psychological characteristics.
  3. Tickle analyzed the survey responses to select the most reliable inkblots and questions, as well as analyzing the data to determine clusters of responses that became the different types of people the test segments.
The clusters were used to give primary results at the end of the test. In order to elaborate on what each cluster meant, Tickle's researchers looked at associations with other questions in Tickle's database. In addition, they examined the dimensions measured in traditional Rorschach methods. They then concluded which of those classic dimensions could be confirmed through empirical associations. The resulting dimensions were used to create multi-faceted descriptions of what the inkblot responses indicated.

If you're interested in learning more about the Rorschach method and inkblot testing, Tickle suggests the following resources.


For More Reading

Beck, S. J. (1937). Introduction to the Rorschach Method. New York: American Orthopsychiatric Association.

Exner, J. E. (1993). The Rorschach: A comprehensive system, Volume 1: Basic foundations, 3rd Edition. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Exner, J. E. (1991). The Rorschach: A comprehensive system, Volume 2: Current Research and advanced interpretation, Second edition. New York: John Wiley.

Exner, J. E. (Ed.) (1995). Issues and methods in Rorschach research. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Hertz, M. R. (1934). The Reliability of the Rorschach inkblot test. Journal of Applied Psychology, 18, 461-77.

Hertz, M. R. (1936). The method of administration of the Rorschach Inkblot Test, Child Development, 7, 237-54.

Klopfer, B. (1937). The present status of the theoretical development of the Rorschach Method. Rorschach Research Exchange, 1, 142-47.

Piotrowski, Z. A. (1957). Perceptanalysis. New York: Macmillan.

Rapaport, D., Gill, M. & Schafer, R. (1946). Diagnostic psychological testing, Version 2. Chicago, IL: Year Book Publishers.

Rorschach, H. (1921). Psychodiagnostics. Bern, Switzerland: Bircher.

Rose, T., Kaser-Boyd, N., & Maloney, M. P. (2001). Essentials of Rorschach Assessment, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Watkins, C. E., Jr., Campbell, V. L., Nieberding, R., & Hallmark, R. (1995). Contemporary practice of psychological assessment by clinical psychologists. Professional Psychology, 26, 54-60.

Weiner, I. B. (1997). Current status of the Rorschach Inkblot Method, Journal of Personality Assessment, 68(1), 5-19.

Weiner, I. B. (1998). Principles of Rorschach interpretation. Mahwah, N.J.: Erlbaum Associates.

Weiner, I. B., & Exner, J. E. (1991). Rorschach changes in long-term and short-term psychotherapy. Journal of Personality Assessment, 56, 453-465.